the one about innocence and benzine

I'm not an innocent. I'm not.

But i have innocence.

When we was little kids we wanted to see the world differently, like a magic ride or something. So what we did was stretch our arms out and start spinning around ourselves, spin and spin, faster and fatser until the world was a blur and it felt like we were taking off. Finally, we'd crash against each other or into walls or on beds, but the world would just keep spinning for quite a while anyway, and we were sweaty and out of breath and the magic rise was over but we were innocent and happy.

Later, we discovered benzine, and spent endless noons and afternoons and days in general, when we didn't have school) trying to recreate the sense of wonder. We'd fall into time loops and saw strange things we later didn't recall. Getting stuck, we called it. Because we stuck in space, our bodies there, our minds somewhere else. One day i stood for who knows how many minutes in the middle of my friend's room while he slapped the shit out of me, but i wouldn't get unstuck. Only when he pushed me and i landed on his bed did i "wake" and was in great confucion that I found myslef on the bed.

On another incident, I "woke" and announced my friends "I'm the rooster", rooster spells kokkoras in Greek, the stress on the first syllable please, so I woke up and said "eimai o kokkoras" and then started to call myslef that and this remained my nickname for quite a few months, until i got bored of having my nose and upper lip peel off and burn and sting from the inhalation of benzine through a hankerchief we doused benzine with. The funny thing is we used to do benzine outside as well, as in parks, abandoned places etc. and sometimes people would come up and talk to us and even though we were "stuck" we actually managed to speak. God knows what we were saying to them. I particularly remember a man with a dog. And I remember feeling sad.

Once, I got high alone on benzine and someone over the radio said there was a flu going around, and i thought he meant it was transmitted throigh the radio waves or sth, and felt panic because i thought i had just caught it. Parts of songs looped in my head. Especially from The Doors, our favorite music to get stuck to. I wanted to try LSD or sth, but couldn't find any. Still can't. I wonder if the effects are similar. And what about meth, or crack, I wonder if they make you see things.

Benzine made me think that i was always on the verge of discovering something awesome, something groundbreaking, that i'd discover the mysteries of the universe. Only I "woke up" right on the very instant where i was about to make the discovery. So benzine was research. I owed it to myself to go back and solve the mystery. i still have a bottle of it somewhere, if it hasn't evaporated.

Innocence lost: I stand in the middle of my room. I stretch out my arms. I want to disappear. I start turning. Spin spin spinning. Faster and faster. I feel lighter. the ground gives way. The world starts blurring.



Blurier.



Blurier.



Still. Blurier.



I don't exist anymore. The thoughts in my head are colourful echoes, Pollock brush strokes. Or something. I want the world to erase me. I want to blend into the magic blur and fly off.



I brake. I collapse. I wish there was someone there to catch me. anD that someone will hold me and be my pillow. He will steady me and laugh and he will envelope into his arms.

Gotcha, he'll say.

Instead: i hit the floor hard, the floor still oscillating, i hit my forehead against the corner of the bed, i bleed. that's it. the end of love. no one there but my bleeding forehead against the floor. I stare at the splinters, the fibres of the carpet, speckles of dust. And once more i feel like i got unstuck. I feel loss.