Pacman. Stressful. I end up sending myself straight in the lion's mouth. Because I don't want to extend my misery.
That's not really what I wanted to say. I guess, I wanted to start by saying hello, to whom I don't know, since this *is* a blank page. Anyway, if you ever follow this blog, hello and welcome. Sit, and get cozy.
I really don't know what this blog is going to be about. Mostly, I'm trying to figure out myself. Or find other people out there like me. I don't know if I'm asexual. I just haven't had proper sex yet. It stresses me out, to be honest. Because i think sex is mostly gross. I don't know why I think this. As an idea, I don't like it. It freaks me out, the possibility of having to touch another body, to have your body penetrated. Penetrating must be even harder.
No, wait, as an idea, I like sex. I meant, as a reality, I don't. I like reading about sex, watching sex (you perv), writing about sex, fantasizing about sex but. I just can't picture myself *there*, you know?
No, you probably don't.
I'm just trying to understand it, okay? I've been lurking around, reading some amazing (not always sex-related) posts, and I'm in awe of things and people out there. My sexuality puzzles me, but some people accept theirs willingly, eagerly, proudly.
I would like that. But by not having sex is like I still hold the reigns to myself. I feel in me a rather alarming urge to submit, to give myself up entirely to someone who will use me, manipulate, abuse me, and I don't like this prospect. It scares me.
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Someone once told me that sex is like drinking water, it took me years to understand what he meant. Sex and sexuality are a part of life, and like drinking water, you will have a need for it your entire life. some people don't drink water they choose Pepsi-cola instead, but it fills the need.
ReplyDeletekeep on writing because that is good for you.
keep on reading because some people out here have amazing insight.
and try water, and Pepsi, heck maybe ginger-ale, or some iced Tea, don't stress over it just try it and see which tastes best to you at this time, you can always change your mind.
-Steve
That's a great analogy. Right now, I realize all the glasses around me have run out of water and i'm so thirsty.
ReplyDeleteI guess i'm thirsty too, metaphorically speaking. Only drinking water or anything doesn't force you to expose yourself and all your weaknesses to someone. Plus, unless it's alcohol ur drinking, it doesn't make you lose control. You see, i'm having serious inhibitions.
i have been close to having sex a couple o times but - sth happened and it didn't seem of a pressing matter at that juncture. it disn't like much of a deal either too. Hmmm.
Thanks, Steve, much appreciated. Indeed, amazing insight.