the one about murdering and raping little children

I want to order the Red Riding Quartet by David Peace. it was made into a trilogy. I saw most of it during the last two weeks. Hmmm. A Swan and a Wolf are making little girls vanish. Obviously, we're told later on, it's not just girls. There were also boys, probably. One of the, BJ, the boy who lived.

I thought how much more stimulating (well, for me anyways) it would be if the disappearances/murders were boys only. Probably an easthetic choice. Definitely not one of morality because when said boy, BJ, goes to find the Wolf and kill him, and we all figure out what was going on ( The Wolf was taking little boys and girls to a basement where the little boys and girls were obviously offering pleasure to prominent figures of the Yorkshire society, cops, rich people, the clergy, u name it) i was kind of shocked. Not exactly shocked, i mean i rea dthat stuff for bedtime stories but appalled. Because the fantasy is good, it's okay, but imagine there are true people out there doing such things to real kids out there, and there's no question of fucking aesthetics here, yeah? I'm not talking about morality, either. It;s just sad and makes you feel helpless. How fucked-up the world can be. because kids are the only and last true innocence left, and if we fuck em up(which is obviously tempting, and even a challenge) it's just sad and sick. But that;s the way the world is. A nice red juicy shiny apple which is rotten inside. Man, i don't k now, everyone wants to take a bite at innocence. I know i do, even if it's just reveries.

this made me look up different serial killers, and then specialize to homosexual-targeted serial killers, and there are a few, and it makes you wonder. it causes the slack-jawed effect. you read and feel shivers down your spine because it's so fucking inexplicable, and these people were like you before they started doing what they did. I can undesrtand the thrill, the ecstacy of having that power over someone; a helpless boy let's say, crawling at your feet, bleeding out of nose, ears, mouth, eyes, hole. i can understand the appeal of ravaging innocence. That look in their dazed eyes. The confusion, the terror, the doubt (is this really happening? to me? now? ). The sweetness. The soft lips that pleadingly, obligingly give way to a thumb, or sth bigger and harsher. If you do this, you will make this child your own, you will smash its innocence and brand it with your existence. You will fuck it up, for ever and for good.

But what then? What then? And what about the poor souls, the survivors? and what about the survivors of the non-survivors? family. friends. always wondering.

Phew.

I'm confused. I just wanted to write about this boy from school who's name is Gregory and he's a goth/emo/industrial kind of guy, always wears a hood over the huge fringe that hides half his face and has a new piercing every week. Well, i was watching him today and saw how nice and skiny he is and i wondered if it has ever passed through his mind, to fool around with another guy. plus, i was thiking how tiny his waist is (i hadn't noticed before) and how i'd like to take pictures of him with just his hood and boxers on. Would he think i'm totally gay? Would he agree? hat if i promised i'd make him famous? Maybe he'd just do it to revenge his mom who's in the army.

I don't know how it got to murdering boys. I wonder if i could do it. Probably. i can do the weirdest shit if i'm convinced they're not really happening. but i'm pro peace. Anyway, violence and blood are so boring and fake-looking when they're happening.

Once i tried to cut the finger of a friend who fainted when he saw blood. i wa strying to help. the friend offered anway. the knife was so blunt i had to saw through the flesh, like go over and over agin. and then we had to go to school. good old days. we were always trying to bleed or die, or so we thought.