thirteen: where i get my first kiss

Things with one of my oldest best friends had gotten kind of weird.

I shall tell you how. But first, let me tell you i should be studying for my exams instead of doing this, reminiscing about old times and trying to transcribe facts here. There's no perfect transcription though, memory is the photoshop of reality. No matter how honest i want to be,it seems that past facts stay in your memory under a certain light, or impression that sometimes has nothing to do with the truth.

There is a big chance that me and this certain friend will have our paths separated. He is probably going to study in London and i stay here, i stay back,i fall back. there's only one summer remaining between us before we become perfect starngers.

or maybe we've laready become strangers that stupid night on my birthday a couple of years ago, when i pointlessly asked him if he had ever kissed a guy. It was pointless because he always tells me about his "sexual" escapades, even now, even more so now as if he's trying to protect something, aka his manhood?

K. is an open guy though, and was back then, we've always said how we wanted to taste every "exquisite passion" and that night was a perfect chance. We were both drunk as hell, and i was getting sick too. I pushed the sickness behind for the time i needed to come on to him, so to speak. So, i asked him that, and he said, "no", and i asked, "do you want to give it a shot?" and he said, i guess, "why not". Up until then, i haven't kissed anyone but the back of my hand, or my shoulder, or my pillow. K. is my first, and he happens to be a guy. I think it's not a matter of sexuality as it is a matter of intimacy. I feel more relaxed around my guy friends, and comfortable to be coming this close.

So we kissed on the couch of his house, and then the urgency to puke came back with a vengeance. So, we quit and i ran to the bathroom where i puked half of the vomit on my hand bracing the bowl, which was kind of funny. But i felt better. I proceeded to brush my teeth, gurgle, clean up the toilet, and we were back to it again.

i don't remember if it was that night or osme other night that he led me to his parents' bedroom(it was summer, they were away on the weekend or sth) and pushed me back down on the mattress and stradled me in the darkness. I was feeling kind of irritated because, let me tell you, i have aproblem with darkness, i need some light on, so i was kind of spooked, and snickering. that is, up until he straddled me and he said, "I want to try this thing with you which i have never tried on girls. Can i?" and I giggled like a schoolgirl allright, and said, "ok". I had my hands on his waist i think, and he was so thin and wiry beneath the fabric of his t-shirt. I wanted to touch him aggressively on every part of his body, i wanted, as they say, to maul him, i got these bouts of HUNGER, but being the decent guy i am i never dared to at first, becausei thought i'd do it wrong anyway.

It was nothing big, he just tongue-fucked my ear and just by writing this i get a hard-on. Funny thing is, it's not so much the sensation that turns/turned me on as it was the sound. this wet, squishy sound of a tongue licking skin, mingled with breath, or the sound of soft, slow, moist meeting and brushing of tongues, inside and outside of mouths. Sometimes we'd ditch our friends in a coffee shop or bar, hide in the loo where we'd french-kiss maniacally, and our friends thiought we were just smoking pot or sth. I felt the need to be devoured, so i'd stick my tongue out but he'd never suck or chew on it as i wanted him to do. i'd slobber all over him because of this angry need and he'd say, "don't open your mouth so much." i guess i wanted to eat him, or even better, him to get wild with me, bite me, suck me hard, and i didn't even think of my dick and what it wanted.

Last summer, he spends a night at my place. we take it a bit further, there's full nudity involved, he complaints about me not taking initiative with him ( i can explain why i never do, but maybe in a different post) si half-heartedly suck at his nipples and try to ease a finger into him, but it just doesn't happen. his skin tastes weird, it tastes stale and mouldy, and i start to get self-conscious about my body but not for long, because he takes over, at last. So i'm on my bed, groped over clothes, and we both help stripping me completely, and my t-shirt is used as imaginary shackles, and tied around my hands which are above my head. Of course the thing is very loose, i can just twist my wrists and it goes away but i realize i keep my arms pinned into the mattress as if by the roughest of ropes. I don't even want to think what this is saying about my sexual tendencies. (I think i'm a sadist who internalizes his hate and directs it unto himself, thus makinghimself a full-fledged masochist who can take as much pain as effortlessly possible)

He gazes up and down my complete naked body and, in surprise, i hear him mutter "beautiful". I think, later maybe, look how lust can distort situations. Look how we deceive ourselves, or rather how our need to be touched or to own or to be owned deceives us, blinds us.

I didn't get a blow-job, btw. There was some poking around my ass in search of the sacred bull's eye (why a Bull's eye, really?), mostly i think because i think thgat's what he does with girls, he fingers them so it was only reasonable to go look for familiar ground. i wasn't hard and he wasn't hard because we were insanely drunk and couldn't keep it up for long, so it was a generally anticlimactic situation. I don't know if i wanted him to fuck me, but if he had tried to, i would've allowed him. we used some old lube (a present from him actually) for a handjob that got us nowhere. Then we slept.

in the morning, my sister asks me:"is that a hickey?" or more like, "is that TEETH?"
and i scratch my neck, glaring at K., saying "no, mosquito bite". I still don't know what she thought of it. in the evening, we meet gaian for a cigarette at apark, and kind of promise that we shouldn't do this ever again.

Anyways, i'm probably sharing a room with him on our vacations this summer, our last summer together, and we've never touched ever since. I'm just being the good friend, listening about his latest successes with girls, which i admit makes me feel very alone and abandoned. and fucking exposed. and gay. and a pervert. butwe don't talk about it and it's like it has never happened. As isaid it has more to do with intimacy, but i still haven't even touched a girl.

But there were other attempts with other boys. I'm trying not to feel very frustrated and i know this makes my cousin who is a fag-hag very proud and happy.