the one about Sunday mornings and panic attacks and lousy coffee

I'm drinking a lousy coffee. Too much sugar. I made it myself. Yuck.
I'm severely pissed off.

I'm currently reading: Rules of Attraction and Wrong. Oh, and Mrs Dalloway. Diversify. Yeah, right.

I had a panic attack last night, I woke up, panting, trembling, without the usual cold sweat, I think. I don't know if it's exactly a mental condition, or if it's just sudden realization to which the expected reaction is to panic. Mortality. Ah! They say there are some triggers for panic attacks, and mine may be this painful realization. And coffee. Mostly it happens on weekends. Maybe I'm having crappy weekends lately. Can't remember the last time I really had fun with my friends. Can't remember the last time i felt like i had any friends. I used to think friendship is the most precious thing in the entire world, but it turned out i was/am the only one who believes this crap. Most people do until something happens, and friendship isn't as important any more, not as important as, let's say, sex. Or, whatever, affection. I don't know what people want to get out of relationships. Sex, obviously. But what else? It's awkward. What? Holding hands in public? Making out in the back row at the cinema? I WANT to watch the film, that's why I go to the cinema. If someone tried to do anything to me while i was watching a film, I'd want to kick their faces in. Which i probably wouldn't cause...oh, for many different reasons. Mostly, because compliant is a big part of who I am. So i know i'd totally be a captive into a relationship. I don't know if sex makes up for such injusticies.

Have you noticed how the radio always plays crap on Sunday mornings when good music is most needed? And I don't know what to put on the cd player. What do i need to listen to on this really sunny, summerish Sunday morning that would suit my envious, slightly irritable, basically indescribable mood?

Yesterday it was,you know, the first day of May, oh, the first real day of spring, so everyone here got into their cars and vanished to the country. I stayed in, there was no transportation so i just went out to the balcony and watched the road where nothing much was happening because everyone was in the country.

My BFF (ugh) called me in the evening, said her BF was coming from wherever he's working but she'd probably stay in because she had diarrhea which was possibly a subtle way to tell me she didn't want me out with them. Guess what. I don't know why but i don't like that guy so i'd really hate it to be the third wheel, anyway. How nice of you, anyway. I'm telling you, straight relationships are weird and overbearing. They make people behave like self-satisfied assholes. Thye kind of sanction you as a person and functional being of society. What follows is, the big house with the fireplace, the white picket fence, the fancy car and, of course, the kids.

Maybe my...aspirations are childish and naive and pipedreams, since i can see there's no way for them to actually come true (you need at least a modicum of talent) but it's better to realize that it's all one big illusion made to keep you alive than, you know, deluding yourself. Even if i never become a writer at least i'm going to do the wrong thing. Fuck playing house.